October 15, 2009 Response to “What If The Sex Is Bad? Does A Christian Have Options”
A blogger that I frequently follow, Stuart McDonald wrote a very interesting post called “What If The Sex Is Bad? Does A Christian Have Options where he asks the question of whether it should be acceptable for a Chrisitan person to abandon their marriage because of bad sex. His thought process seems to say that since according to Christian theology that Christians are not supposed to indulge in pre-marital sex, how are they supposed to know if they are getting “good sex” if they can’t “test drive the car.”
This is not an uncommon discussion and for the Christian person it’s time to settle it. So what if the sex is bad? Does a Christian have options? The answer is yes. Two options. Stay and work it out, or stay and not work it out. Divorce, however, is not among those alternatives. I’m guessing because this conversation continues to arise that vows mean literally nothing to anyone anymore. Guess that “through good times and bad” part didn’t register. And to buckle down and decide to stay married in a bad sex situation boils down to whether or not God is real to you or not. To walk away from a marriage for that reason is like saying ” I love God but I refuse to submit to his authority in this situation”
But let me tell you what the real problem is in this situation and I believe Stu McDonald addressed it in his blog. For those Christians who did it “by the book” and waited until marriage have nothing to compare it to, so I doubt that these are the people who are having problems with the “bad sex.” It’s for the multitude of Christians who dabbled in sex before marriage that have this fear.
Consider these…
1. Good sex with your spouse is designed to be mined out. To assume that a person is not capable of “good sex” is to assume that every person is cookie-cutter in the bed. One size does not fit all. The beauty of God’s design is that satisfaction seems “out of reach,” so the married couple has to spend time communicating and learning how to please one another. This requires you to have more than what simple sex can offer. It requires intimacy in all areas to be in check. And even if after you’ve gotten it together and it gets “boring” again – it requires you to tap in further to work to make sex what it should be within that marriage. It takes work.
2. One of the primary reasons why people who participated in “single sex” have problems within marriage is because they are trying to bring the attitude of single sex expression into a covenant relationship and it potentially proves to be a letdown. Single sexual expression is a synthetic counterfeit immitation of married sex and it causes the God’s original intention to be looked at with disdain. I’ve heard the analogy used that single sex is like living your whole life eating potato chips and then get introduced to vegetables and thinking that you’ve chosen something wrong.
The reason for the letdown is because single sexual expression has elements of danger, deception, fear, risk, lying, deceit, premeditation, planning, seducing, breaking covenant and making covenant with those who don’t even care for you and those elements create an emotional rush that is not found in marriage. When you are single and chasing sex your whole attitude is “will it happen, is it available, are they going to give it up?” and in marriage… “it’s available.”
What you fail to understand is that with your single sex it is about preserving self and pleasing self, not being totally yourself, hiding something for fear of rejection, and not giving your all because you’re not sure if that person will be there later. Marriage covenants are the exact opposite because it is completely about vulnerability and full exposure of self to your spouse – holding none of yourself back from them. So when we were out participating as single people in single sex, in our minds, these elements that cause the emotional rush was joined with supposing to be apart of sex. For instance in married sex because there is no element of risk or deception involved, there is no emotional rush that you were used to and therefore you have a problem getting aroused and excited, and therefore you feel like it’s a letdown.
This is probably how some adulterous affairs get started. People get “bored” in their sex life in marriage and introduce all of those “single sexual expression” elements back and think that this is how it’s supposed to feel. You’ve been deceived.
But hope is not lost. Change your mind. Fix it and start enjoying sex how it was originally intended to be, which is abundantly lavish and enjoyable within the boundaries of your marriage. Married sex causes you to have more invested and to allow your marriage to be derailed because you haven’t put it the work or went to get help in an area.
For the Christian, who told you that doing it God’s way will be “less”? It’s time to exalt the wisdom of God’s word against your own opinion. Time to stop following the stupidity of what non-believers convince us is right. We’ve followed their example right into over 50% divorce rate.
And for the non-believers you responded to Stuart’s blogpost… don’t worry, the LEAST of your troubles is who you have sex with.
Tags: bad sex, christians, divorce, Elev8, God, good sex, sex, Stuart McDonald
- 15 comments
- Posted under Rant, sex, Someone Else's Blog
Permalink # J. Michael said
The difference that I found between married sex and single sex is the underlying dynamic of performance vs. acceptance. As a single the paranoia of “measuring up” was the dominant idea. Am I good enough, big enough, am I as good as your other partners, etc? After almost 5 years of celibacy, when I got married I found that none of that mattered with my wife because she accepted me and loved. We started from scratch and the sex has been on a continuous upswing. The discovery that comes in marriage is what singles miss out on as well as guilt-free sex.
Permalink # jean said
I am married now for over 15 years. he has never worn a wedding ring. we had sex on the first date. bad mistake. my husband is not interested in having sex now. we have not had sex in over two years. the last time we had sex he stopped and said that it made him feel tired. and he did not want to feel tired. we have not attempted to have sex since. but he is happy every day. he is ok with this.he has cheated on me in the past. i think he still doing the same now. disrespects me. talk down to me. I have been a good wife to him. but now I am tired of it all. we live in the same house. but we do not speak to each other. he treats me like I am invisible. earlier in our marriage he was caught him peeping at my 15 year old daughter while in her bedroom and bathroom. I did nothing. It has come back to haunt me. I feel anger against myself for being stupid. And anger against him because he thought it was no big deal and never apologized. He has hit me if I talk back to him. am I suppose to honor my vows (for better or for worse) and continue in this marriage and hope that he changes? I am tired of masturbating.
Permalink # Paula S said
I do agree that you should respect your marriage vows and whatever religious beliefs you both had at the time of your marriage, however, if your spouse is being abusive and you’ve tried to get help to fix that and it hasn’t worked you should get out of the marriage. I’m pretty sure God doesn’t want us to stay in an abusive marriage.
Permalink # eric said
Actually, the bible is clear that a chrisitan can divorce if their non-christian spouse leaves. Somebody who physically abuses their spouse is highly unlikely to really be Chrisitan (but only God knows) AND if you’re physically abusing someone, then for all intent and purposes, you already have left them. Jean; I believe you are biblically justified in getting divorced. Also, he is a sex addict and i would suggest you refer him to “Pure Life Ministries”. If you want to try and work it out, you never will be able to unless he repents and I would suggest an extensive, live-in program at a place such as the one I just mentioned.
Permalink # davidisms said
Jean –
The answer to your question of do you still have to honor your vows is a resounding NO! Get out of that marriage. Here is why I can say that.
The Bible says, in Matthew chapter 5 that one reason (among a few) that you are allowed to get a divorce is if one party in the marriage commits adultery and therefore breaks the marriage covenant between the two of you, which you say your husband has done.
My advice to you is to RUN for your life, literally. You say that he has cheated, he has hit you and he has been caught peeping on your 15 year old daughter. Leave before he hurts you or does some harm to your daughter. If you choose to stay married, do it from a distance, until he can get some help. But Biblically you are free to go.
Permalink # Leslie said
great post – well said. Married sex is so much sexier! No inhibitions – all real 🙂
Permalink # Response of a Response “What If The Sex Is Bad? Does A Christian Have Options” « Je'Tara Speaks said
[…] the author sometimes does a really good job on expressing his feelings. Then I read the response (https://davidisms.wordpress.com/2009/10/15/response-to-what-if-the-sex-is-bad-does-a-christian-have-o…) which was the first post I had read on this particular blog, so I had no expectations. Both blogs […]
Permalink # Let Me Answer The Question: What If The Sex Is Bad? | ELEV8 said
[…] One of the main problem lies in that we treat married sex and single sex as the same thing. What I mean is this: God only created one type of sex — married sex. Sex was created to be enjoyed inside the confines of marriage so when we decided to take it outside of that plan we had to lie and create excuses for our actions. A blogger friend, David Patrick, brings some more clarity to this concept on his blog: […]
Permalink # Black Info.Net - African American News Hub | Black Info.Net said
[…] One of the main problem lies in that we treat married sex and single sex as the same thing. What I mean is this: God only created one type of sex — married sex. Sex was created to be enjoyed inside the confines of marriage so when we decided to take it outside of that plan we had to lie and create excuses for our actions. A blogger friend, David Patrick, brings some more clarity to this concept on his blog: […]
Permalink # jean said
Thank you for your advice. You may have saved mine and my daughters life. I know now he is a manipulator. I will deal with him from a distance. I feel God has put into my spirit to teach other young females at my church not to accept this type of behaviour from their boyfriends or husbands. I am glad that someone was there to listen to me. God bless you. You have helped me more than you can imagine. Thanks for that listening ear.
Permalink # Erin said
I really enjoyed the article until the “non-believer” comments. Didn’t Jesus teach acceptance and compassion not judgement? This life is about growth and it’s great that some people are born with internal knowledge but some people have to learn it on their own, that doesn’t make them bad just different. Jesus was a revolutionary, he took a stand against conventional wisdom, he was a critical thinker. We should all be critical thinkers and sometimes that means we will make mistakes. This article would have been more effective for me if it was a seed of knowledge/truth not a judgement on what you would call a “non-believer”
Permalink # jamily5 said
I read this post and just wanted to say that
some people who have not had sex before marriage have all sorts of expectations that are unrealistic. Although they might not have engaged in sexual activity before marriage, they have listened to people who have. They believe that satisfaction will come naturally. They think that they won’t need to discuss or talk about “sex,” that the man and the woman will just inherently know what pleases the other. And, they are taught that (especially since they have waited) they will now be rewarded for their patience by fireworks sex that requires little effort on their part, but is infinitely pleasurable. This is still a self-serving way to look at sex, but it is all too common.
Permalink # Scott said
I agree , this article is making assumptions that the only reasons sex is bad because the letter writer had sex before marriage. really? how do you know that? ( and some people i believe are not sexually compatible believer and non believer )
I know i can eat something that i have never tried before and I can tell you whether i like it or not.
Permalink # Let Me Answer The Question: What If The Sex Is Bad? | Health Advice, Inspiration & Gospel Music for Black America said
[…] One of the main problem lies in that we treat married sex and single sex as the same thing. What I mean is this: God only created one type of sex — married sex. Sex was created to be enjoyed inside the confines of marriage so when we decided to take it outside of that plan we had to lie and create excuses for our actions. A blogger friend, David Patrick, brings some more clarity to this concept on his blog: […]
Permalink # Jeremy said
I don’t understand “nothing to compare it to” people talk among themselves, lifeless dead fish sex with an obese wife doesn’t need comparison my friend.
God help us all and give us wisdom and help in these difficult times