October 15, 2009 Response to “What If The Sex Is Bad? Does A Christian Have Options”
A blogger that I frequently follow, Stuart McDonald wrote a very interesting post called “What If The Sex Is Bad? Does A Christian Have Options where he asks the question of whether it should be acceptable for a Chrisitan person to abandon their marriage because of bad sex. His thought process seems to say that since according to Christian theology that Christians are not supposed to indulge in pre-marital sex, how are they supposed to know if they are getting “good sex” if they can’t “test drive the car.”
This is not an uncommon discussion and for the Christian person it’s time to settle it. So what if the sex is bad? Does a Christian have options? The answer is yes. Two options. Stay and work it out, or stay and not work it out. Divorce, however, is not among those alternatives. I’m guessing because this conversation continues to arise that vows mean literally nothing to anyone anymore. Guess that “through good times and bad” part didn’t register. And to buckle down and decide to stay married in a bad sex situation boils down to whether or not God is real to you or not. To walk away from a marriage for that reason is like saying ” I love God but I refuse to submit to his authority in this situation”
But let me tell you what the real problem is in this situation and I believe Stu McDonald addressed it in his blog. For those Christians who did it “by the book” and waited until marriage have nothing to compare it to, so I doubt that these are the people who are having problems with the “bad sex.” It’s for the multitude of Christians who dabbled in sex before marriage that have this fear.
1. Good sex with your spouse is designed to be mined out. To assume that a person is not capable of “good sex” is to assume that every person is cookie-cutter in the bed. One size does not fit all. The beauty of God’s design is that satisfaction seems “out of reach,” so the married couple has to spend time communicating and learning how to please one another. This requires you to have more than what simple sex can offer. It requires intimacy in all areas to be in check. And even if after you’ve gotten it together and it gets “boring” again – it requires you to tap in further to work to make sex what it should be within that marriage. It takes work.
2. One of the primary reasons why people who participated in “single sex” have problems within marriage is because they are trying to bring the attitude of single sex expression into a covenant relationship and it potentially proves to be a letdown. Single sexual expression is a synthetic counterfeit immitation of married sex and it causes the God’s original intention to be looked at with disdain. I’ve heard the analogy used that single sex is like living your whole life eating potato chips and then get introduced to vegetables and thinking that you’ve chosen something wrong.
The reason for the letdown is because single sexual expression has elements of danger, deception, fear, risk, lying, deceit, premeditation, planning, seducing, breaking covenant and making covenant with those who don’t even care for you and those elements create an emotional rush that is not found in marriage. When you are single and chasing sex your whole attitude is “will it happen, is it available, are they going to give it up?” and in marriage… “it’s available.”
What you fail to understand is that with your single sex it is about preserving self and pleasing self, not being totally yourself, hiding something for fear of rejection, and not giving your all because you’re not sure if that person will be there later. Marriage covenants are the exact opposite because it is completely about vulnerability and full exposure of self to your spouse – holding none of yourself back from them. So when we were out participating as single people in single sex, in our minds, these elements that cause the emotional rush was joined with supposing to be apart of sex. For instance in married sex because there is no element of risk or deception involved, there is no emotional rush that you were used to and therefore you have a problem getting aroused and excited, and therefore you feel like it’s a letdown.
This is probably how some adulterous affairs get started. People get “bored” in their sex life in marriage and introduce all of those “single sexual expression” elements back and think that this is how it’s supposed to feel. You’ve been deceived.
But hope is not lost. Change your mind. Fix it and start enjoying sex how it was originally intended to be, which is abundantly lavish and enjoyable within the boundaries of your marriage. Married sex causes you to have more invested and to allow your marriage to be derailed because you haven’t put it the work or went to get help in an area.
For the Christian, who told you that doing it God’s way will be “less”? It’s time to exalt the wisdom of God’s word against your own opinion. Time to stop following the stupidity of what non-believers convince us is right. We’ve followed their example right into over 50% divorce rate.
And for the non-believers you responded to Stuart’s blogpost… don’t worry, the LEAST of your troubles is who you have sex with.